Are you a little frustrated with the pending results of the impeachment hearings? For one, you shouldn’t be, they were predictable. But don’t despair liberals, raging moderates and never Trumpers, because guess who got the contract to refit Hair Force One? If you think this sounds a tad un-American, isn’t it my right to close my eyes like the rest of you, per chance to dream? Hey, I’m Yankee-fucking-doodle-dandy compared to most of Team America…

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Tweet Tower—National Security Adviser John Bolton has lobbed a truth grenade into the middle of the republican’s hasty coverup. As calls for Bolton to testify grow, republican senators are denying the relevance of quotes from his upcoming book, as well as even the existence of the book itself, which one senator noted: “does not seem to be available on Amazon.” When interviewed yesterday, the former National Security Adviser dropped a bombshell. Never mind the claim in chapter 2 that he poses DNA evidence that Trump is the lovechild of Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun. Never mind his claim in chapter 7 how Trump demanded the military nuke Greenland after he failed to purchase it. On a side note, Bolton liked the idea, but questioned the strategic gains. And never mind Bolton’s claim that the president of the United States is compromised to not one, but to every single country on Earth, except parts of Paraguay. Yesterday in an exclusive Discord interview, Mr. Bolton, admitted he has not been able to extricate his fingers from his glasses for well over a decade. This initial incident occurred amidst the onset of the Great Recession, in 2008, and apparently involved a bottle of Gorilla glue and a bottle of rye whiskey.

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Punta Cana, DR—One infectious disease expert and asymptomatic pubcarrier believes he has created a vaccine for the Corona virus, a virus that recently escaped from a lab in Wuhan China after a night watchmen allegedly fell asleep on the job. Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute & Liquor will be selling the vaccine for 5 dollars a pint, and a dollar off during happy hour. When asked about the inspiration behind the important discovery, Hogbein said, “I was sitting on a beach, sipping a beer, and the answer just came to me out of nowhere… or maybe from out of the cooler. It wasn’t really an a-ha moment so much as a ha-ha moment, because damn that shit’s funny!”

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Wuhan, China—The Center for Disease Control is downplaying reports coming in from China that those infected with the latest strain of the Coronavirus are showing signs of “some real Resident-Evil-type shit.” Many are concerned that recent cuts to the organization’s budget by the Trump administration will leave the US ill prepared to face this mounting threat. A spokesperson for the CDC told the Discord, “There is no cause for panic, the acting-acting-acting head of the CDC’s brother-in-law has the situation well under control. This new symptom is just a phase; it’s part of the healing process. If you believe someone in your family is infected, just suggest they walker it off, you know, let them shuffle around and get it out of their system. Oh, and please keep them away from any household pets.”

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Senate Chambers—Trump’s impeachment defense lawyers took the stand yesterday to mount a powerful, yet incoherent case to exonerate this president from any and all wrongdoing. “Ladies and gentlemen, this is a simple case of he said vs she said, she said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, she said, he said, he said, she said, she said, and a few others blocked to testify by the defendant. But for us to move forward with the removal of this president; all kinds of stuff that would have to occur, what with the movers, changing postal addresses, and the fumigation costs and whatnot. There’s a lot of whatnot that I don’t think the American people are prepared to contemplate. Worse still, this is a kangaroo court! And, with all the recent fires in Australia, haven’t the kangaroos been through enough?”

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Let’s see how a spoof news guy stacks up against our supposed intelligentsia. Over the last couple of decades, I’ve spouted from my blog and my bar stool how: we only have one problem in this country. The rest is implied as, under republican leadership, we can’t even identify the key issues of our time, let alone solve them. I started following politics closely post 9/11 and in the days and weeks after that horrific day my own nationalism and fear of terrorism was quickly replaced by concerns regarding our response to these events and the emergence of this enemy within. Enemy is a strong word, but if the jackboot fits… The case that Iraq = 9/11 was weak, and the fact it worked so well is a testament to our collective gullibility. The implications are profound as any nuisance can be elevated to a threat and then eliminated by the greatest military the world has ever known. So my first decade of blogging can be summarized as GOP, please reform, but the second shifted to GOP, please disband. Even though my statements and posts may have seemed hyperbolic fifteen plus years ago, I think they’ve been validated (which means I can keep blogging for another two hours before I have to move my car).

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Dunwich, HP—The popular watering hole Last Call of Cthulhu’s is closing its portal forever after serving the greater Innsmouth area for nearly forty beers. The popular pub was known for its well drink specials such as: At The Mojitos of Madness, the Corpse Reviver XL, and their best seller, a not so basic Gin & Cthonic. The owner, an evil clergyman named Bob, only said, “It’s time,” and abruptly ended the interview by gauging out his own eyeballs before screaming his way into the sub basement. One patron said, “I liked when they played Thirsty Thresholds: anyone not dragged into the nether realms and devoured drank free! And on Mondays the first thing over the door step got half off their home brew, The Lurking Beer.” Despite the outpouring of nostalgia for the creepy place, Yelp reviews were always kind of hit and mythos.

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Newark, NJ—When a reporter asked Senator Cory Booker (D-NJ) about his decision to withdraw from the 2020 presidential race today, he said, “I want to spend more time with my family.” After a follow up question revealed he is currently single with no children, Mr. Booker backpedaled, mumbling something about, “Well, more time with somebody’s family, I guess. Look, I got shit to do, okay? I’m a busy man!”

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Earth—After some less than savory images appeared in the Australian desert in 2019, the moon has lodged a formal complaint with the Interstellar Decency Authority (IDA). In an exclusive interview with The Discord, the Moon said, “Look, all of the man’s down unders are exposed outback, right there in the down under. Get some ground cover on that shit, maybe a nice desert vine or some climbing fig. Whereas I, the moon, keep offering Earth views of the Sea of Serenity, the Sea of Tranquility, and the like, you people treat me once a month to some full frontal nudity. Oh, but I do like that big spider over at Nazca. More like that!”

[‘Didn’t Australia start as a penal colony?’ joke covered by the editor with a patch of climbing fig.]

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Tweet Tower—President Trump pulled out the old Sharpie and the whiteboard today in an attempt to quell public concerns regarding the fires currently raging in Australia. “There’s nothing to worry about as you can see here from this map,” said Trump. The president then pointed to where he believes the fires are currently located, Christchurch, New Zealand. Using a circular motion he then emphasized all of the water that exists between ‘Australia’ and the United States. Melania weighed in with some advice on how she has managed to quell her own ‘fires down under’ by offering some good referrals to a number of qualified and discrete physicians.

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Barnes & Ignoble—John Bolton was again thrust into the spotlight yesterday as calls for the Former Security Adviser’s impeachment testimony grows to a deafening meh. Theories for Bolton’s reluctance to testify vary, but his voice becomes even more crucial as the president hones his latest misadventure: Operation Where’s Tehran Again? Bolton issued a statement today, “I have conflicting obligations regarding my potential congressional testimony, or lack thereof, in the upcoming, or not upcoming impeachment hearings, which I can neither confirm nor deny. There is my obligation as a citizen to testify to congress, but I also have an obligation to honor executive privilege. Thus far I have chosen to honor the wishes of the White House, because they gave me the opportunity to masturbate, not once but twice in the Pentagon’s War Room. I also have an obligation to the people of this great nation …to probably clean up after myself next time. But I can tell you this much, I will not be testifying anywhere until America stops confusing me with Grammy Award winner, Michael Bolton.”

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The Discord had the chance to interview several ancient philosophers regarding the Founder’s vision of impeachment proceedings. These discussions occurred during a Ouija board session that ironically included several session IPAs from Founders. Socrates admitted from the onset that he is a SINO, or a Sophist In Name Only, but Plato immediately argued he was never considered a sophist in the first place. Plato reasoned Socrates could potentially become one through the world of the senses, but then it would be more accurate to call this an ontological becoming. Neither would discuss Trump’s situation and told us to “piss off,” because they were just starting to watch season one of Hemlock Grove on Netflix. The sophist Zeno of Elea did comment on the impeachment by reminding everyone how an infinite number of halfway points exist between the House and the Senate, and since no one can traverse an infinite number of anything, he argued the Articles of Impeachment could never truly reach Mitch McConnell’s desk. He recommended both sides visit his pub at Penn State instead, but then argued against the journey by citing the same ‘motion is illusion’ premise.

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