Scientist Warns Of Immanent China Syndrome-Style Meltdown Of Trump’s Ego

Washington—At least one scientist believes the current Trump impeachment scenario could imperil the entire planet and is therefore sounding the alarm. Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Lube, said, “This week’s hearings strike at the very core of Trump’s ego, which, if ruptured, is large enough to melt straight through to the Earth’s core. The president’s ego is supersized, so if it were a star its death throes would create a black hole; if it were a wave it would form a MAGA-tsunami, and were it a late night McDonald’s order, it would come with a very very large coke and fries.”

Facebook Scrubs Whistleblower’s Identity: Man With Same Name Wants Kitten Blog Back

Gary, IN—A man, who we will refer to as Gary from Indiana, is angry after both YouTube and Facebook took down his coveted Kitty Korner blog, because he happens to share the same name with the whistleblower at the heart of the Trump impeachment hearings. The whistleblower’s name was briefly outed last week, but was then removed almost immediately from all major platforms on which it appeared. This move inadvertently hid the popular kitten blog, and Gary just wants to know when he can post his latest pic of a Maine Coon-Norwegian Forest hybrid named Mittens.

Whistleblower Same Person Who Planned Benghazi Attacks And Murdered Epstein

Deep State Headquarters—The Daily Discord has spoken to an unnamed source claiming to be a double agent working within the intelligence community. This individual plans to appear on Hannity’s America, any day now, to expose the widespread corruption at the very heart of the Deep State. This righteous whistleblower tells a sordid tale in which an individual, akin to a liberal supervillain, was created in a secret laboratory with direct ties to George Soros and the Clinton Foundation. This fiend, known only as BleachBit, was created to subvert the American dream and to destroy the last best hope for mankind, Donald J. Trump.

After Pit Of Mammoth Remains Discovered In Mexico Trump Blames Cartels, Threatens War

Mexico City—Fourteen woolly mammoth skeletons were unearthed this week in a mass grave 25 miles north of Mexico City. Although archeologists estimate the remains were deposited over 15,000 years ago, this has not stopped president Trump from blaming Mexican drug cartels, the cast of The View, Adam Schiff, and Hunter Biden. The president tweeted today, “The archeorthodontist says it’s murder! Drug cartels are bad! Very bad!! We see none of that money. None of it!! Unless we can work out a Trump Tower Cancun deal or something, prepare for war! My generals are ready, Andres!! Besides, Hunter has the name HUNT in it! This had better be the focus of the impeachment hearings!”

#NoExtortionNoLatinShit

McDonald’s CEO Ousted After In-N-Out Bugger With Other Chik-fil-A

New York, NY—McDonald’s CEO Steve Easterbrook has resigned from the company after admitting to dating a staffer. Easterbrook told The Discord today, “Sometimes those golden arches are worth all the McControversy. Hey, I’m just sayin’, she brought me a toy with that happy m—

[Editor’s note: The Whopper of a tail, Wendy’s single, Whattabugger, egg McMuff, Finger lickin’ good, spicy sausage burrito, Jimmy’s John, Hardees Grimace, and Five Guys kosher style hotdog jokes have been dumped out with the plastic tray. You’re welcome.]

Attorney General Strains Something Looking The Other Way

Washington—AG William Barr was rushed to the hospital today after contorting his neck in what his medical providers are calling “a manner not conducive with the range of motion normally associated with the human neck.” This action has displaced a cervical vertebrae, inflaming the surrounding muscles, which has resulted in what historians are calling: “a massive executive pain in the neck.” An unnamed staffer claims the Attorney General suffered the injury when he suddenly looked up to the right then back to the side in an effort to avoid witnessing any wrongdoing on his watch. The anonymous staffer said, “Mr. Barr has mastered the ability to walk into a room, or a meeting and, even though his eyes are open, all of his sensory apparatus are turned off. He’s not recording anything. He’s, like, on automatic pilot. And other than walking into the occasional closed door, he still fits-in well with the rest of Trump’s team. The neck thing probably happened because he suffered a lapse of reality at an inconvenient time.”

A Spooked President Tried To Deploy 2,000 Troops To Contested Trump Properties On Halloween Night

Tweet Tower—In preparation for the “liberal tricks” associated with Halloween, President Trump floated the idea of signing an executive order declaring several of his properties in a Pre-State of Emergency. The order would have allowed the deployment of 2,000 military troops to cover The Donald’s real estate assets for any potential egging, toilet papering or other seasonal mischief associated with Halloween. Critics of the move are calling this one Pumpkin-gate. The president tweeted, but quickly deleted, a warning that any attempted flaming-bag-of-dog-poo stunts would be met with sniper fire. When asked about the legal rationale for such an order, Trump said his acting-acting head of Homeland Security told his lawyer’s lawyer’s lawyer the following: “Technically these are the same troops Trump illegally deployed to the border to guard, paint, and/or build his wall, so arguably this is a much better misuse of military personnel.” Ultimately a staffer shredded the executive order, but failed to take it out of the black binder first and promptly broke the machine.

Trump Withholds CA Relief Funds Until Governor Authors New Nickname For Pocahontas

California Screaming—In a phone call many are calling “dumb,” President Trump told the Governor of CA that no federal funding would be available to fight fires for “Libsylvania Central,” unless Governor Gavin Newsom could help him come up with some snappy nicknames for the current Democratic front-runner, Elizabeth Warren. The Governor’s office has yet to comment, but claims he has come up with something in the ‘naughty librarian’ genre that he’s quite proud of. Those close to the governor believe he will not submit to this extortion, but he really wants to share the name with the media for comedic purposes.

AG Barr Holds Séance For Inspector Clouseau, Joe Friday, and Ian Flemming for Spygate Conspiracy Theory Inspiration

AG William Barr is walking a tightrope between salvaging the last remnants of his reputation, and making something stick on the latest Hannity-spawned spy novel narrative. The inability to find anything truly damning is likely behind the delay in the release of the FISA report. Barr only needed a day to reduce Mueller’s work to: “No collusion, no obstruction,” but making up shit that people will be imprisoned for is a tougher task, even for assholes.  Don’t fret, republicans, those “scandals” did their job. How else would we have a republic-ending ass clown in office? Now their latest installment of Spygate, headed by John “Bullshit” Durham, has apparently uncovered some crimes. Double-spaced documents, improper use of headers, and even margin issues occured at the highest levels of our intelligence community. There’s a slew of formatting atrocities that will break this case wide open.

It’s Hard To Plot A Revolution From A ‘Safe Space’

Dear America, please don’t lure me back to those days when I despised both sides of the political aisle. It should be painfully obvious in 2019 that we have a fairly typical party and a wholly deplorable one. Despite this fact, the Eye of Zano is turning once again toward the Mountains of Blandness. The cognitive dissonance is becoming more pronounced on the left, as predicted …but, hey, at least they can pronounce something. It’s hard to remain optimistic when half of our Democratic hopefuls have no grasp of today’s issues and the other half are too old to articulate them. Congressional hearings are equally as disturbing when republicans remain unsure of the main premise outside of last night’s Hannity segment, and liberals won’t cede their time to the prosecutorial ringers in the room because of their egos. Soundbite over country?

A Spiteful Trump Announces Next G7 Will Be Held At Barstow Motel 6

Tweet Tower—After mounting pressure from everyone everywhere, the president declared his Doral Miami resort would not be hosting next year’s G7 summit. In a presidential tweet The Donald declared the G7 would now be held in a seedy Motel 6 outside of Barstow, California. The White House released a statement that the town of Barstow has “plenty of land, numerous convenience stores, and is hailed as the Gateway To Bakersfield.” Senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY) claims, “The venue decision was also motivated by digging up dirt on the Bidens, because there’s so much of it already out there.”

Trump Talks Turkey: There Are Good People On Both Sides Of The Genocide

Tweet Tower—President Trump is standing by his decision to continue to talk to world leaders unsupervised. The consequences of a U.S. vacuum in northern Syria came swiftly after a conversation with President Erdogan led to a Turkish incursion into Syria the very next tweet #ToKillaMockingKurd. Even republican politicians seem uncharacteristically critical of the president for these developments, not the least of which involves the potential escape of thousands of ISIS fighters from regional prisons. The president urged his critics today to “go fuck themselves,” before adding: “ISIS has given me good dirt on Hunter and Sleepy Joe, and they promised me a Caliphate Trump Tower! Since Rudy can’t handle these things anymore I’ve hired Springfield’s best lawyer, Lionel Hutz!”

Tweet Tower Unleashes The Nazgûl To Hunt The Last Inspector Generals Of Men

Tweet Tower—As the subpoenas mount, President Trump has declared the Office of the Inspector General itself part of The Deep State, ISIS and possibly The View. The president is now charging the largest body of governmental oversight for passing along potentially “traitorous information.” In an effort to preempt anymore “salacious and unverified” reports from surfacing through normal whistleblower channels, nine Turmpwraiths vaulted from the top of Tweet Tower earlier today, each tasked with devouring one of the nine remaining OIG heads. The safety of each Inspector General is unclear at this hour, but the White House states this act is necessary to pave the way for a better, more robust whistleblower program. In an exclusive CNN Interview Rudy Giuliani said, “What is a Nazgûl? Why would the president unleash them? Of course he unleashed the Nazgûl! There are nine of them just hanging out under the North Portico basement, and he had nine potential OIG troublemakers, so what was he supposed to do? The Nazgûl are going to be the heroes when this is over.”