Washington—After reading the full Mueller report and suggesting impeachment proceedings are warranted, Congressman Justin Amash (R-MI) has clearly displayed, in public, that he can both read and process information, an ability today’s GOP considers: witchcraft, sorcery, alchemy and/or above the dignity of his office. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) said, “The last thing this party needs is someone with an IQ at or above that of a turnip. How can I keep my peeps doing all these terrible things if they start to think for themselves? Not going to happen on my watch. Sometimes just a good blow to the head can fix these young upstarts. Not sure what region of the head should be targeted, of course, if I did know I’d have to resign from my post.”

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We need comprehensive immigration reform. It’s so bad at our southern border right now that even I wish Trump would appoint a head of Homeland Security. Don’t worry, even though both sides of the aisle can finally agree on the problem, a viable solution is not on the horizon. Certainly some of this surge in migrants is the perception that the U.S. may be on the verge of closing its doors forever …with a wall …equipped with sharks …with friggin’ lasers on their heads. Don’t laugh, that’s the latest executive request that Pelosi is desperately trying to block all funding for. Senior staffers admit that, as a pragmatist, she hates the sharks-in-the-desert thing, but would like to hear more about the lasers-mounted-on-their-heads thing. Mexicans are probably chuckling at Trump’s imaginary wall, but what if Guatemala only gets Fox News? The idea of a thousand mile wall comes with some now-or-never implications. It’s forcing those latitudenally challenged to act now, or risk remaining in their own “shit-hole country” indefinitely. Did Trump’s imaginary wall cause you or a loved one severe emotional distress while attempting to cross the U.S. southern border? Have lasers mounted on sharks injured you or a family member? You may be eligible for a cash reward. That’s it! Let’s cut off their emergency room access and just assign each illegal immigrant a lawyer. Latigation? Amidst this vulture-capitalistic wasteland we now find ourselves, this might be one area we can find some common legal ground.

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Punta Cana, DR—The Democratic National Committee has offered what is being called a “good faith gesture” to the president and his senior staffers today. The DNC purchased an all expense paid week of “sun and fun in the Dominican Republic” for the Trump crime family. In the wake of recent events on the ill-fated island, many conservative pundits are crying foul. For some the timing, which comes at the heels of a series of mysterious deaths of several guests at the very same resort, is not a coincidence. The head of the DNC Tom Perez is denying any wrongdoing: “As a fiscally responsible party, we liberals are always motivated to find the best exotic deals, even if such savings are associated with a known death trap *cough*, I mean Caribbean paradise.”

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Sometimes I still think highly of our top military brass and our MIB-spook-types. Despite my disgust with our industrial military complex in general—with its egregious abuses to our environment and its abysmal failure to allocate their Dr. Evil gazillions responsibly—certainly some military luminaries demand our respect. In the end, however, it’s those “good soldiers” who tend to betray us. I’m talking about those folks who insist on staying in their lane while Rome burns. Former Defense Secretary, General Mattis, rightly stepped down in protest over Trump’s dangerous inconsistencies with troop involvement/levels in Syria. General Petraeus remains one of the leading military intelligence minds of our time and, back in the day, General Wesley Clark broke ranks, or broke something by leaking Dubya’s master plan to topple seven regimes in the Middle East—all for the purpose of planting magic democracy beans, you know, the ones he no doubt purchased from an as yet undisclosed bean dealer with ties to the Saudi Royals. However, these military bright spots seem to be the exception, not the rule. In the end these institutions simply do not prepare our military personnel, or our intelligence officers for the insidiousness of today’s body politic. They will sell out their country under the pretense of some misguided sense of duty and for that we should damn them along with the rest of the Republican shit show.

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Warrensville—With bad intent I, Mick Zano, have posted a blatantly sexist post for the purpose of angering my last few Discord fans. I am doing this in the hopes of further time to pursue my true purpose: to use Google Earth to climb Mt. Everest! I have already set up my virtual basecamp at 17,600 ft. on the south side of the living room. I believe I have enough Coke and Twinkies to make this historic satellite-image journey.

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Turdingham, ENG—In a much desired break from the recent rash of milkshake attacks plaguing malty-old-England, Scotland Yard is seeking any information regarding the whereabouts of a large pigeon. The bloated bird is believed to have assaulted Brexit-great Nigel Farage last week with what many are calling an avian Moloturd cocktail. The pigeon, a known proponent of the UK’s remaining in the EU, normally frequents Trafalgar square, Big Ben’s ledge, or that statue of Queen Elizabeth that looks like she’s wearing a toilet seat around her head. On the day in question, however, this pigeon acted like a pigeon …um, possessed by a much nastier pigeon.

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