Tweet Tower—The White House is viewing North Korean President Kim Jong Un’s recent present as a “positive diplomatic development”, despite the controversial nature of the gift itself. The Supreme Leader of NK sent the White House a Speak & Spell, which the president seems to “really be enjoying in lieu of any and all intelligence briefings and his usual presidential duties.”

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A new pill is now on the marked designed to help memory, focus, and general cognitive function. Throw out your ginkoba and that shit made from jellyfish testicles, because there’s a new smart pill in town designed to make you the next Jeopardy champion on your block. Polls suggest that those who took the pill for thirty days straight saw a huge improvement in our view of them as people. It is also believed to markedly improve attention to detail and improve attention to detail. Most our customers have gone on to become quantum physicists, win the Nobel Peace prize, or win the Nobel Peace Prize in quantum physics while winning Jeopardy. The price tag for a mega-improved brain is not cheap and, due to dosage concerns, it’s out of reach for most Republican households.

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Trump Wall Prototypes

Immigration reform is a problem that deserves a solution and one that keeps us safe and reflects our values at our border towns, brothels, and beyond—not to mention those bathroom stores. Here’s where I agree with my friend and blogvesary: a liberal plan for border security is empty if Dems aren’t serious about comprehensive immigration reform. Some of their hesitancy is, no doubt, tied to a lack of political will for fear of alienating voters. And this is where our agreement begins and ends. Everything else the right side of the aisle is the usual blend of bloviational hyperbole and methane (BHM). Amplifartcation? Lest we forget how Republican reform, not immigration reform, is the number one issue on the docket. But here’s a breakdown of the problem and the solution:

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Flagstaff, AZ—On the heels of the Buzzfeed debacle and after a Limony Snickets level of bad reporting, Special Counsel Robert Mueller has turned his soulless eye toward the antics of the The Daily Discord. Despite the fact our own website’s wrongdoing remains clouded in the Special Counsel’s nebulous draconian secrecy, Rachel Maddow spent twenty five awkward minutes covering the story. For this feature, which arrived with next to no information, she danced entirely around two of the only three non-redacted words in the entire court document. She would not utter the words ‘midget porn’ or ‘with a melon’ on prime time television, so her entire segment focused on the words ‘beer pong’ and its tortured link to the Russia probe. Many, including this reporter, found her Maddowmandering, “even more excruciating than usual.” The piece was so annoying, three out of four Discord staffers are believed to have switched to Hannity’s America.  

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Chicagoland—The polar vortex is causing artic winds to dip into the heartland and further destroy the average Minnesotans chances of meeting someone this January. The President has declared his marriage a state of emergency and is using the excuse to shut the government down again, so he can head to Mar a Lago for some golf and hookers #NotInThatOrder.

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Tweet Tower—President Trump is pleased to announce his donation brick challenge is already netting some hard results, literally. Bricks from brick-heads all over the heartland are arriving at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue in the hopes of one day helping to keep dangerous murderers and rapists from entering the United States illegally. Recently the president reached directly to his concrete base to ask them to send him individually donated wall bricks with an emphasis on trying to get their Mexican neighbors to pay for them. Press Secretary Sarah Sanders told reports today, “The president couldn’t be happier with the Mexican bricks arriving in the mail. We are especially happy to receive any bricks not shipped via Amazon. The White House is also excited to announce Ivanka’s new “She’s a Brick House” women’s apparel line as well as Scott Baio’s new Jethro Tull collaboration, Thick as a Scott Baio.

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Washington—President Trump has just made a major announcement. The United Kingdom’s embattled Prime Minister Theresa May has agreed to meditate the debate on border security here in the U.S. in the hopes of reopening the federal government. President Trump thanked the Prime Minister upon her arrival and told reporters, “Now we have two of the best negotiators in the world in the same place, so in my opinion the wall is all but built and the government is all but reopen #WallInTheFamily.”

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Chicago—The ongoing shutdown is impacting millions of Americans and the willingness of the unpaid masses to keep performing their critical roles is waning. TSA agent Harry Stiles is one man who’s bearing the brunt of this political impasse. Word came in yesterday that an individual was smuggling enough heroin on his person to fund Trump’s team of attorneys for an entire year, but Mr. Stiles is starting to have a shutdown problem of his own. He agreed to speak to The Discord only under the condition he could remain fictional. “This week I started patting down one leg and the person’s alternate arm. Next week I’m going with my ‘every other person pat down’ policy and if this shit drags on into February I’m initiating Operation Wild Wild West.”

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The Southwest—The lack of supervision during the government shutdown has triggered an unprecedented wave of criminal mischief across our national parks and monuments. Numerous reports are coming in that scores of juvenile delinquents have officially wrecked the southwest. Park rangers claim rattle snakes are being forced into clog-removing snake labor, whole canyons are being backfilled, and cactuses across our deserts are being humped and molested outright. There’s even reports coming in that the town of Sedona is now overrun with snooty, New Agey types. No, wait …that part’s normal.

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Tweet Tower—President Trump ended the government shutdown 17-minutes after Twitter announced it would be closing the president’s account. The company also informed the president that it relies heavily on indirect government funding to remain a leading social media platform #GovFundMe. Upon hearing the news, several White House staffers claim the president frantically tried to log onto his Facebook account. This ended minutes later with a Presidential Zuckerberg-Related Tirade (PZRT) that could be heard clear to the Washington Monument. The president then cursed all of the Facebook founder’s children and his childrens’ childrens’ children, before opting to bailout twitter and end the shutdown.

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