Washington, DC—Former Speaker, former GOP nominee and former human being, Newt Gingrich, has revealed his ambitious countrywide concession tour extravaganza. Mr. Gingrich’s handlers, now down to his wife and his wife’s boyfriend, claim the donations are pouring in for this important slice of American history.

Sarah Palin told our own Cokie McGrath, "Newt is making a bold statement. He’s saying we’re not going to put up with the tyranny of the Obama Administration any longer, and he’s doing it in a way not unlike when Samuel Adams signed the Constitution in that really big font."

Michele Bachmann later corrected the record for Palin, "She means, of course, when Gomez Adams signed the Magna Carta."

After losing the nomination, Gingrich told the press it gave him time to think. After a deep reflective meditation, involving bottom shelf bourbon, he realized America deserved this long bittersweet farewell tour. "I don’t want to look back on this one day and say, ‘why didn’t I just go the fuck home and try not to be an asshole to my third wife?’"

With continued donations, Gingrich hopes to upgrade his tour vehicle from his own ‘creeper van’ to a large RV. "Maybe something with an American flag on it and a catchy saying like Freedom’s Fizzle," said Gingrich.

When Cokie McGrath suggested he go with, "Why didn’t I just go the fuck home and try not to be an asshole to my third wife?" Gingrich replied, "Too long. I can’t afford a bus that big."

Arlington, VA—The new garbage container designs have all but ended many years of wastepaper basketball. Will this sport follow the fate of kick the can, or spin the can, or ring around the spinning can? At its peak, the popular sport was played in one form or another by an estimated 75-million people across the U.S. By 2010, to the chagrin of an elite group of home hoopsters, all kitchen garbage cans came with lids.

Wastebasket ball great, Barry Mellman, said, "I would shoot waste baskets to make the cleaning more fun. With the new pale I tried putting a large rock on the lever to keep it open, but my wife broke her toe on the fucking thing. Besides, you never get a true bank shot off those circular contraptions."

"I cried the day the lidless ones died," said Hall of Fumer, Ron Fratelli. "I even own an official garbage basketball hoop. So last week I make this great shot with an overripe tomato. It, of course, ends up through the hoop but on the lid—with mucho tomato shrapnel on the wall. My wife asked if it was a mob hit. Women just don’t appreciate the wasteular arts."

Garbage container manufacturers claim the newer models are more hygienic and significantly cut down on odor.

Oscar the Grouch added, "You mean they keep odors in, right?"

Hughesville, PA—The Daily Discord originally signed a two year contract with fellow Discord contributor, Dave Atsals, for his Captain Viagra series. Discord lawyers are now working diligently to nullify the deal. The agreement involved weekly installments of Mr. Atsals’ cartoon, inspired by his own sad, libido-less antics. Thus far the cartoon has brought the popular ezine only scrutiny.

"Umm, we get enough of that," said the Discord’s CEO, Pierce Winslow. "We have no shortage of scrutiny. Every day over my morning coffee I read how we ‘suck’ or how ‘the Crank is demeaning to aardvarks’ or ‘isn’t skullfucking a felony?’ On that note, no skulls are ever violated during the creation of The Ghetto Shaman’s weekly column (mostly)."

The first installment had Captain Viagra and his trusty sidekick, The Cialis Kid, jetting across the galaxy in his long sleek rocket ship, The U.S.S. Priapus. At the end of the first episode, our hero catches up with the female antagonist, Vagina Villainous, and slams his ship repeatedly into her unprotected Moon Base.

Pierce Winslow added, "The cartoon went out to about five hundred fans as a pilot, but the negative feedback rivaled our recent Nazi Fugitive Makeover."

When it was pointed out how the Ghetto Shaman column has been late four of the last five weeks, Winslow said, "Maybe we are going to run it. The Shaman is dead. Long limp Captain Viagra!" He then shouted, "To infidelity and beyond!" but later asked to have that quote removed. Winslow admitted he was a little excited when he said that, but he will seek treatment if it lasts longer than four hours.

Tombstone, AZ—The Black Panthers recently put a bounty on the head of rock star and activist Ted Nugent for his recent incendiary remarks against President Barack Obama. The Panthers do not feel the Secret Service’s recent visit to The Motor City Madman will suffice.

Black Panther national spokesman, Chawn Kweli, told the Discord’s Cokie McGrath, "In recent weeks, we put out a bounty on the heads of George Zimmerman, Harold Steinman and now Ted Nugent for crimes against humanity."

When McGrath asked about Steinman, Kweli replied, "That cock sucker cut me off at the mall and took the last parking spot. I ran his plates and that mother f-er is going down!"

Ted Nugent suggested the Black Panthers meet him at the historic OK Corral in Tombstone Arizona to settle their differences. On Saturday May 12^th, at high noon, Ted Nugent plans to square off with the three key members of The Black Panthers for what was once known as ‘the quick draw’. The Historical Society and City Council of Tombstone Arizona have approved the use of real bullets during this gunfight extravaganza, which locals think should "significantly boost tourism."

The Mayor of Tombstone, Kirby Jenkins, said, "We’re kind of hoping they just blow the shit out of each other. I know there’s some sympathy for Ted’s position around these parts, but at the end of the day the world will be a better place when Boot Hill has a few more permanent residents."

Gabby Johnson of nearby Rock Ridge added, "frRRrravish!"

Kingstree, SC—Officially, the First Baptist Church has "no idea" how the foam versions of their nails used to crucify their savior each year were replaced with sharp wooden spikes. Easter Sunday, these spikes were miSTAKEnly used to nail local forklift operator, Gus Franklin, to a large cross at the climax of their holiday mass extravaganza.

"We just hope someday people will find the humor in all of this," said Father Michael Shenanigans. "I knew we should have gone with the F@^*ing Easter egg hunt."

Uber-Defrocked Reverend Joseph Tompkins told coroners, "We just thought the Messiah was really getting into the part this year." However, the holy emissary later admitted to police, "We planned to take him down in a couple of days and put his body in a cave to see what happens. You know, to make the most of this tragedy. Maybe something good could have come from it, like the Rapture or at least a related bake sale."

On a related note, The First Baptist Church’s ‘One of Our Beloved Forklifters Rose on the 3^rd Day’ bake sale has been canceled, pending the investigation of the organizers.

Philadelphia, PA-Lately we have drifted into a bit of a journalism-free stupor here at The Discord. I keep firing Mick Zano, which accomplishes little. The Ghetto Shaman has only posted intermittently this month, which he claims is due to his important "inhalant research." Well listen up, Mr. Huffy McSnortsproducts, if you’re late one more time, I’m handing the whole advice column over to McGrath and her anti-life coaching/relationship advice drivel! No offense Cokie, but it’s drivel.

As for our recent news item debacles, I have implemented a stricter process to ensure a level of quality and integrity not seen since our Virgin Contracts VD: Hailed as Immaculate Infection days. The Discord’s recent coverage Salmon Linked to Tunaonella Outbreak was a potential threat to our informed readers’ health, to say nothing of the outcry after our post Weaponized T&A Causes Mounting Threat. In retrospect, our slice of life feature My Adorable Ex’s Tranny should have read My Adorable Texas Granny. We sincerely apologize to Mrs. Katie Walthrope of Austin for the embarrassment she and her family suffered.

What I truly found inexcusable was Mick Zano’s coverage of Andrew Breitbart’s death. As it turns out, Breitbart died of heart failure not, as Zano claimed in his feature, a drone strike ordered by The White House. We’re better than this! ...albeit not by much.

Vatican City—Commissioner Gordon of Gotham City is "outraged by the audacity of the Pope and his minions." Initially, the Commissioner was not surprised Batman ignored their city’s cries for help. "We just thought he fell off the Batwagon again," said Gordon. "He self medicates, you know. The dude has issues. But now we find out he’s responding to problems all the way in Italy?"

The Pope is denying a series of clandestine meetings occurred between his Holiness and the caped crusader. Vatican officials are also denying rumors the Pope had a Bat Phone installed in his chambers. The Vatican released a statement earlier today, calling the rumors "Bat shit crazy" and "His Holiness doesn’t even own a cell phone, let alone a Bat Phone."

An unnamed whistle-blowing Cardinal told reporters, the Pope believes, "We need to restore the Knights Templar. And who better than the Dark Knight himself to lead our new crusades into the 21^st Century?"

"Batman is a vigilante," said the Pope. "His methods are dubious. We need a beacon of light, not an archetype of darkness."

When asked about the giant bat signal seen over the Tower of Passetto, the Pope said, "It’s a grail shaped beacon...like in that Monty Python movie. Jesus Christ, would you people drop this shit already?"

The Passetto acts as a secret passage from Italy into the Vatican—the perfect meeting place for the Pope and Batman to hatch their evil plots. If the Vatican is resurrecting the Knights Templar, perhaps they are enlisting the aid of all of our fictional superheroes. If the Pope recruited Aquaman, for instance, he would have armies of undersea creatures at his command! And who’s to say Wonder Woman’s invisible plane isn’t parked outside the Passetto, right now?

Los Angeles, CA—The Social Phobia Facebook group has a good following in the greater Los Angeles area, yet none of the 51 active members have managed to attend any of their 78 scheduled meetings since the group’s inception in the Spring of 2010.

The Meetup group organizer, Stanley Stehenside, had this to say, "Our 22nd Meetup came very close to actually happening as Mr. Filkins made it to within yards of the diner in question and I came within two blocks before running back to my apartment in sheer terror. That was an exciting day for all of us."

The Meetup members are hopeful their 79th Meetup will break their losing streak.

"We have a plan," said Mr. Stehenside. "Two of our members live in the same building, so we’ve chosen their lobby for our next Meetup location. We’re confident at least two of our members will be present. That is, if Miss Hidesley can get over her fear of stairs and elevators by then."

The group has an extra special itinerary for this next, all important meeting, "We’ve made arrangements with the building manager to host a poetry slam and a very open mic night, as no one is likely to go near the bloody thing," said Stehenside.

The group organizer stated he has already finished a poem that he plans to not read during the event entitled, "For fuck’s sake, woman, close those god damn blinds!"

New Paltz, NY—Jackson Nellis has remained bent over in his yard with his pants down for the better part of six weeks, awaiting the coveted passing of the Google Street View vehicle.

"I don’t understand it," said Nellis. "They were supposed to be in my neighborhood last month. Is it too much to ask for a man, who lives on a fucking road in the very fucking neighborhood that Google is supposed to be mapping out, to get his fucking picture taken?!"

Mr. Nellis reports his neighborhood was very new the last time Google mapped the area. "The last update of my street still has my neighbor’s monstrosity of a fucking boat in the front lawn. But I had the home owners’ association deal with, Captain A-hole, and the rest of Gilligan’s junk yard."

When asked why Mr. Nellis thought it was so important to capture his ass on Google Street View, he said, "Kids have the ice cream truck and I don’t like ice cream. Look, did anyone ask Criss Angel why he painted shit on the ceiling of that Italian fucking church? Did anyone ask Albert Einstein why he invented the atom? I don’t fucking think so."

When explained how Google Street View edits out all inappropriate images before posting, Mr. Nellis let forth a string of expletives not heard since paragraph two.

Lexington, KY—State Representative Ted Harkins (R) told reporters today, "We are losing the war on allergies and this new ‘March Bloom’ is the last straw." Harkins later told reporters he’s allergic to straw as well.

Representative Harkins, known for his anti-pollen legislation, was also the first to coin the term Microgametophytic Fascism. He believes if his sneezing fits continue, he will lose the next election and an important General in the War on Pollen will be silenced. And by silenced, he means intermittent sneezing, coughing and sobbing.

When asked if the early bloom had anything to do with Climate Change, he said, "No. Global Goreing is just a liberal distraction. Tree hugging socialists are just the types the pollen hordes want in power. Look, pollen is plant sperm. Plant sperm in our noses! It’s the world’s flora attempting to hump the whole blooming planet! Nostril sex is an abomination."

In the name of fiscal conservatism, Harkins proposes ramping up the defoliation of the main offenders across our state and national forests.

"Plants, trees, grass, and those MFing flowers must go," said Harkins. "As the Bible tells us, we were here first and they’re no longer welcome. If I’m reelected I will use all of our state’s resources to eradicate all things green and hay fever evoking."

When asked about signing Grover Norquist’s no tax pledge, he said, "No problem. We can fund this project entirely by defunding everything else."

"Harkins has my vote," said one person, who’s in no way fictional. "We shouldn’t be forced to spend our lives in urban areas, avoiding city parks like the plague. Of course, I can’t go into parks anyway after the ‘incident’ but it’s the principle."