Trump Offers Proof He Reads His Daily Briefs

Tweet Tower—President Trump has changed his position multiple times on whether or not he was briefed on Russian bounties being placed on the heads of US military troops in Afghanistan. Initially, Trump denied ever receiving the intelligence, then he admitted he had but that they were “not read to him out loud.” Yesterday, his story changed yet again to, “I received the briefing, but only read some of the words.” Today the president added, “When they said Bounty I was thinking about the quicker-picker-upper and my AWESOME paper towel chucking in Peurto Rica after Hurricane Maria.” Criticism of the president’s failure to read the intelligence briefing in its entirety prompted the president to address the issue, complete with visual aids, from the oval office. “I change my briefs every day, and I had them labeled so I am always using the right brief for the right day. The rest is a HOAX started by the liberal media!!”

Rolling Stones Detained! Trump Seizes Rights To Sympathy For The Devil, Under My Thumb, And Ventilator Blues

Tweet Tower—Rock legend, Mick Jagger, is being held without bail in the bowels of Tweet Tower and his bandmate, Keith Richards, is wanted for questioning after eluding police by jumping a fence and scaling the side of a six-story building. Amidst a DOJ investigation into the origins surrounding the FBI’s Trump-Russia probe, also known as Crossfire Hurricane, the Rolling Stones were named as Individuals 1-4 for coining that phrase in the early seventies. The President has used this fact to detain the rock legends while crafting an executive order to rob them of the rights to their own songs for upcoming Trump rallies.

US Beachgoers Offered Swim Up ICU Beds

The Shoreline—In anticipation of some summer splashing followed by some summer organ-crashing, the Red Cross along with the Coast Gaurd have pooled their resources to open up a special shoreside service for those sickened by coronavirus. Why let a virus wreck your fun this summer? Each offshore floating hospital is equipped with a fully functioning intensive care unit, designed to get you back to your vacation itinerary as fast as possible, or there’s speedy burial-at-sea options for those party poopers among us.

The Durham Report And The Spygate’s Last Gasp

My friend and blogvesary asked me to give his points about Spygate a fairer shake. Sure it’s mostly conspiracy theory scrawled across Glenn Beck’s chalkboard with a pre-sniffed Sharpie, but there is some clear irregularities that can’t be ignored. My friend is reasonable, so over the years he always lays out these red-meat-laden theories and I research them. But this is also why I have such a healthy fear of following him, once again, down the rabid hole. Since they’re typically distractions, I tend to shut them down sooner than traitor. It’s like hearing how the moon landing was faked, then, years later, we go to the moon and there’s a pizza parlor where Hillary is running a child sex ring out of the basement. Yeah, it’s like that… Anything being espoused on Hannity each night seems automatically meritless to me, yet only a Sith deals in absolutes. As for Spygate, why couldn’t the FBI pick an issue, a lie, a white-collar crime, a quid pro quo, a collusive conclusive moment, to make their case? With so much wrongdoing to choose from, how do you not meet the level of a FISA warrant, indefinitely? You had Gotham’s Orange Cheetoh in your crossfire hurricane hairs and you missed. Pokey sent along some questions and some links for review. Two links touched on Obama spying, aka Halper and Misfud, so I worked them into my answers—covertly, of course, without proper FISA permissions. He sent over a Hill link, nice, but here’s a much a better one, here. Why do I have to do your job for you, Poke? His other two sources were The Federalist, uggg, and Wikipedia—which I use too but prefer the Star Wars version, Wookepedia.

“Surveil or surveil not, there is no spy.” Yoda

Mothman Statue Toppled For Its Stance On ‘Light Bulbs Matter’

Point Pleasant, WV—To the backdrop of throngs of crazed, statue-toppling progressives, the Mothman statue that once stood at the heart of downtown Point Pleasant is no more. Mothman, a known larvae-owner with ties to both Mothra and the BeheMoth, was also despised for his role as a key member of the Light Bulbs Matter movement. The president tweeted today, “I remember when Mothman showed up in West Vagina, followed by Godzilla and that three-headed dragon thing. I know it was a tough time for everyone involved, but there were good cryptids on both sides of those protests.”

News Of John Bolton’s Experience At The White House Isn’t News

Tweet Tower—Why are John Bolton’s revelations from his upcoming book revelations? Who knew a narcissist could act narcissistic by putting his own re-election over the greater good? That’s the flippin’ definition of narcissism! Why are we still surprised by Trump’s actions in 2020? The DSM hasn’t changed that section since flippin’ Freud. Meanwhile, my friend and blogvesary, a man with a Rorschach-with-an-electron-microscope level of commitment to the minutiae, is still ranting about Spygate and he wants widespread liberal prosecutions. What is your endgame, sir? Trump’s rather notorious place in history is sealed and my Trump/Mussolini and Barr/Franco analogies seem less hyperbolic each and every news cycle. We elected a crime-boss president with fascist friends, and like any other modern-day conservative experiment: It.Failed.Miserably—to the point where the dollar itself hangs in the balance. What are you even hoping for, Pokey? That the widespread incompetence plaguing our country, which no doubt reached our intelligence community, has some positive political implications? Maybe there’s a bad cop in there somewhere so the crime boss walks? [Walk Don’t Run joke removed by the Ventures Foundation.] How do you continue to ignore the obvious? When are you going to see what’s actually happening, not the fantasy foxal matter counter-narrative? When will you realize that when people who share your ideology lead it’s akin to a cluster fuck giving birth to a mega-snafu during an F-5 sharknado?

I Firmly Support Democracy …Unless It Involves Republicans

Over Memorial Day weekend I made the mistake of debating members of the family still laboring with the misapprehension that the republican ideology is a thing. For some context, we’ve danced around meaningful discourse for nearly a decade, but for this round I just wanted to convey one final point, namely, we’re past the point of no return for our courts, our constitution, our environment and our economy, so things are about to get much worse for this country on a variety of fronts and, although I love ya’ll, I’m with the North. Or, if you prefer a more schnitzely analogy, I’m with Herr, which was Hindenburg’s 1932 slogan. This is far beyond a covid thing, folks, for those late to the party it’s more of a me-circe-2004-thing. And, yes, I will no longer defend republican thought or even known republican-sympathizers. Yeah, I know the opposite is occurring right now across this country, but I long for the days of a smarter, more progressive fascism. Speaking of which, why is our Attorney General now targeting Latifah anyway? It’s such a confusing world.

Violent Protesters Agree To Adhere To Social Distancing By Burning Only Every Other Thing Down

Minneapolis, MN–Images of violent protesters not adhering to CDC-guidelines across the country has cast these arsonists and looters in an unnecessarily dark light. In an effort to both continue displaying their animosity toward local police and yet remain safe from COVID, the leaders of this nebulous mob have agreed to burn down only every other structure, a concession they feel is a suitable compromise “to burn and  break shit responsibly.

Unemployment Drops As Twitter Hires 72K To Attempt To Fact Check Trump

Tweet Tower–Second quarter employment numbers are expected to rise considerably after Twitter announced the hiring of 72K new employees to fact check the president in real time. Twitter is optimistic the new workforce, dedicated entirely to the president’s twitter account, can keep flagging falsehoods tweeted as they appear. The president is reportedly happy about unemployment numbers but outraged by the actions of the social media platform’s targeting of his own account. He vows to bring down “#you’re fired and fury” on the company, and warned, “Remember what happened to MySpace after they pissed me off? And that was when I was just a citizen crime boss, not a president crime boss.”

An Estimated 98% Of Brain Activity Occurs Subconsciously & That Number Is Higher In Republicans

As our DOJ becomes an extension of the imperial presidency and Trump’s incompetence in the face of the current crisis drives us ever closer to ruin, what exactly drove the republican brain toward such spectacular folly? This concept has plagued me over the years, much like Bluetooth. Paranoia is a key ingredient in the conservative batshit soup. The wind beneath their cheeks? In the book American Conspiracy Theories, two political scientists out of the University of Miami wrestled with the rarity of the party in control maintaining such a high level of suspiciousness. They claim paranoid conspiracy theories are usually relegated to the disenfranchised, under-represented losers of any given election. The GOP’s ongoing reliance on Illuminatiesque subplots as the party in power is almost unprecedented. During the impeachment hearings, in true Goebbles fashion, several republican senators attacked the prosecution for attacking their own party’s fixation on irrelevant scandals. Had Hunter Biden been forced to testify, his appearance would have actually rewarded Trump’s bad behavior and made the Senate itself complicit in his crimes. Why address this reality anymore, when you can create an alternate one? So maintaining a nonsensical level of paranoia comes with some clear fringe benefits …from the same fringe poised to steal your benefits.

Trump Draws Record Crowds In Mordor’s Mt. Doom District

South of the Mordor—After abandoning his stint of self-hydroxychyquarantine, President Trump is back on the campaign trail! Before visiting the even-lower-48, the president rallied to the backdrop of endless hordes of Orcs, Trolls, and Wargs in the very shadow of Mt. Doom. By all accounts, this Middle-Earth rally drew the largest crowds Trump has ever assembled. Unfortunately, anyone sent to calculate actual crowd size was disemboweled and/or eaten. Trump himself offered his own assessment, “This event dwarfed the whole thing with the dwarves. It was YUGE! Forget dwarves, it was like those things bigger than dwarves …FAT DWARVES!! #MorbidlyOberon.”

Ode To Those Bygone Days When The GOP Only Relied On Foreign Interference To Win Elections

So hold on Fox & Friends, I’m supposed to be sad about the supposed railroading of former National Security Adviser Michael Flynn? You know, the semi-treasonous, perjuristic, Logan’s Run-act-esque, compromised-as-hell Trumpster, who’s probably still covering for the worst president in history? Fine, the worst president in history was James Buchanan. And, yes, I predicted that Old Buck would pay a steep political price for ignoring the growing polarization in 1858, right here on The Discord—back in those days you had to etch your words onto the laptop screen with a chisel. And schools didn’t close for a lousy pandemic, hell, for the black plague I had to bring in a rat for show & tell. Need I remind our republican friends, they are the ones who consistently appoint the strictest judges, pass our strictest laws, and are always the first to forfeit our liberties for security (sung to the tune of Lock Her Up). Post 9/11, you folks handed every tool in the shed to our intelligence community and now you complain about it when it uncovers both foreign interference and domestic liars?

Fun Fact: When William Barr is done revamping the DOJ, he will only sharpen and hone said tools for the New Republican, and he will then start carving up any perceived political threats like an X-mas goose (War on Christmas joke sold separately).

For those innocent-until-proven-guilty folks …uh, Flynn was found guilty, in fact, he pleaded down to lying to the Feds for “cooperating.” All sales are final, unless you’re a Trump goon. The US would be better served following my simple guideline: innocent until proven republican.

AG Barr: We Intend To Make Counter Intelligence Counter To Intelligence

Tweet Tower—By now I’m sure you’ve all heard Obama’s ‘leaked’ opinions on the Michael Flynn-effect, and Trump’s “absolute chaotic disaster” of a pandemic response. What finds me on the gobsmacked side of flummoxed is how we, as a country, have entered late-stage democracy with hardly a footnote. We were never going to survive a minor crisis under a republican leadership, let alone a major one, and I would suggest draining the swamp a bit but, now, seeing as how we’ve become fully acclimated Wetland ‘Murican Dwellers (WMDs), such a move would likely leave us all high-n-dry. I used to think the rot could no longer be removed from the republican party, but now I don’t believe you can remove the rot from the good old US of A. But enough about the demise our country, what I find more intriguing is all these SPAM commercials on television lately. Have you noticed? Does it already contain people parts? …you know, to more effectively wean us onto Soylent products? I think it’s a terrible idea. Republicans will never go for anything called Soylent Green, so how about: Soylent Coal, It’s Sheeple.

[Cornholed beef hash joke fried by the editor.]

Vegas Opening Just The ‘Circus’ of Circus Circus and The ‘New York’ of The New York-New York

Las Vegas, NV—The City of Las Vegas was scrutinized last week when the Mayor of Sin City, Carolyn Goodman, suggested using her citizens as guinea pigs “to get the dice rolling,” so to speak, on what many are calling a case of premature reinstate-tiation. She didn’t exactly refer to Vegas as America’s guinea pig, but rather “the Flamingos in the Golden Nugget mine.” The Governor’s first plan, aka Casheen-o Royale, involved three phases: gambling-only for seven days, followed by the reintroduction of booze on week two, and finally, the pièce-of-ass de ré·sis·tance, social-distancing prostitution, or SDP on week three (not to be confused with that other associated acronym). Long Dong Silver is the only VIP member to give the go ahead for phase III and, despite the Governor’s office working long and hard on this one, the idea was eventually scrapped in favor of Operation Covid Roulette, in which only the first part of everything in Vegas that consists of two of the same name can reopen.