New York, NY—My Best Friend’s Girl is in custody at this hour after the passing of pop legend Ric Ocasek. The prime suspect in the death of the Cars lead singer, Candy O., told reporters today, “I’m Not The One. You Might Think I’m Crazy, but I’m not a Dangerous Type.” She then added, “It’s All Mixed Up and it has been Touch and Go, so I’m going for a Drive, because It’s All I Can Do.”
A rash of mysterious respiratory illnesses linked to vaping has reached 33 states. The CDC is calling the outbreak a viral vaping virus, or VVV, which is an airborne flavored disease that causes severe lungular malfunction, or what medical professionals call something else. One e-cigarette executive is speaking out, “A lot of these deaths are young people. We don’t want to get people hooked on our product and kill them before they have a really good jobs. I mean, come on, who wants that?! Besides, think of the millions of people who haven’t croaked right away after using our products. So, let’s all just breathe a little easier and… uh, can you edit that last part out?”
Tweet Tower—The mystery surrounding the firing/resignation of John Bolton has taken another twist today as eyewitnesses report the former National Security Adviser’s mustache was escorted from White House grounds hours before his tenor officially ended. Bolton is denying that the president ripped the clump of hair off his face during a heated argument, but The Daily Discord has three separate sources from last night’s poker game claiming otherwise. Those close to Mr. Bolton report the two have since been reunited and the striking grey patch is once again situated between his nose and his mouth.
Washington—This week the House votes on the continued relevance of the rule of law. Will Chairman Jerry Nadler’s Judiciary Committee efforts get upgraded on Thursday to a more formal level of impeachment hearings? The president is sweetening the pot by adding some perks for those who vote against impeachment, such as: pre-pre pardons (which goes into effect even before the president thinks of them), leeway to rough up the witnesses (Black Sites Matter!), Magic Sharpie privileges, and full pussy-grabbing immunity #FreeToo! Nancy Pelosi is dragging her feet a bit on pulling the impeachment trigger. First she said, wait for a majority of the House to support impeachment, and now she’s saying, well, we also need the majority of the public on board. What next, lady, some house cat polling? Simon is fully behind impeachment proceedings, but Flopsy and Mittens are still concerned about the political implications. It makes me want to gack up a hairball.
Tweet Tower—President Trump signed an executive order today demanding that Dorian, a self-described category 1 hurricane, immediately change course and head back toward the great state of Alabama. Senior aides claim the president is not happy with the storms failure to follow his own stream of consciousness and nonsensical meteorological projections. The president also believes he received “some bad information” from the Sharpie involved in the incident. Reports suggest the item was escorted off of White House grounds earlier today, in someone’s pocket.
Tweet Tower—Long time leader of Zimbabwe, Robert Mugabe, has died today in Singapore at the age of 95. In a surprise move, President Trump has granted this notorious dictator an honor granted to few others. The body of the man who seized Zimbabwe’s budding independence and stomped it out before bankrupting his nation outright will become the 32nd person to Lie in State at the Capitol Rotunda. When asked about the controversial decision, the president said, “I feel strangely connected to this guy. I mean, I usually prefer white strongmen, but we’re supposed to be a more inclusive party, right? Besides, I really wanted to change the subject from Sharpie-gate. And by the way, it was windy in Alabama the other day. I talk to people, you know #ReallyWindy.”
Shortly after exchanging wedding vows with actor Kevin Bacon, Kyra Sedgwick ran around the venue announcing, “I won, I won the game Six Degrees to Bacon, because I’m like one degree now! …and a half! …but half in a good way. Like golf …or the opposite of golf.” Whereas many on hand for the festivities were congratulatory of the shrewd move, critics claim the game actually ended during the spring of 1997, and still others argue she should have gone with her first choice, Mickey Rourke.
Tweet Tower—President Donald Trump’s personal think tank, The Booking Institute, a research group spawned around a craps table in the 80s at the Taj, is filing Chapter 11. The covfefe’d organization, which Trump himself describes as, “an ‘Murican bigly thinkarama!!”, is now officially cognitively and neuronically bankrupt. The nail in the organization’s preverbal coffin was not, as some have assumed, the group’s inability to actually think but rather their failure to screw nearly as many people out of their lunch money as projected. The Simpson’s Nelson added a “HA, ha!” before administering a swirly.
Norman, OK—A legal representative of Johnson & Johnson defended the pharmaceutical company’s role in the nation’s current opioid crisis by pulling a fentanyl patch from his pocket and stuffing it into his mouth. As gasps rifled through the courtroom, attorney Benjamin Crass spoke while bits of a gel-like substance oozed from a corner of his mouth, “See? Our opioid products are not dangerous, even the really strong ones like Fentanyl. You can spread this stuff on your morning bagel. Move over Philadelphia, right? I usually gnaw on these puppies with a little Cholula sauce, but it pairs well with a number of popular condiments.”
I wanted to go with Subdeplorable Homesick Blues for this one, but there were some copyright issues. Speaking of which, I did steal the above funny image (a first), but only because when I thought of the joke someone had already beaten me to it! Meanwhile, Dems have finally arrived at a comprise; they’ve agreed to impeach parts of the president’s mouth and penis. I understand the Pelosi dilemma, aka the political dangers of losing an impeachment hearing to a corrupt senate, but at the end of the day …um, it’s the end of the fucking day! Thankfully the number of overall congressmen who favor impeachment is climbing, one more today, because I for one would rather go down fighting blatant criminality than ignoring it. Hell, we could lose 2020 to this ass-clown either way, or, worse still, Trump won’t accept the election results. So when it comes to unconstitutional mischief, Lady Speaker, take a page from another Nancy and, “Just Say, No!” In the end, the Russia probe was an investigation that proved endless wrongdoing, yet arrived to a deafening silence. Its conclusions were wildly damning, so let us never speak of it again. Now we’re about to face the Horowitz report, a reactionary sickness spawned from the ashes of Mueller’s failings. The Republican-led probe will be more like a reverse ouroboros phoenix, i.e.it continually explodes while flying into its own asshole.
A Discord poll found an astounding 52% of those questioned would prefer to be abducted by extraterrestrials than endure four more years of a Donald Trump presidency. This staggering number remained almost as high when participants were reminded of the whole anal-probe thing (APT). The poll comes with a margin of error plus or minus 95% as Alex Bone was wrongly provided a corporate credit card during the Tucson survey, which took place at a brewpub during happy hour. Charges pending.
The Dunce and Future King revisited. Many believed our checks and balances would hold under The Donald’s executive tantrums; let us forever refer to those folks as Trumpnablers, or card-carrying members of Cult 45. Surviving this was never dreamt of in my philosophy, but then again optimism was never my forte, especially when it comes to ForteFive. For those of you sleepwalking through our current political nightmare, perhaps it’s best to just keep binge-watching Netflix. I think this nation could learn a thing or two from the citizens of Hong Kong. They understand what’s at stake and can identify when their liberties are taking the proverbial—
[Taking a massive Drumpf joke flushed by the editor.]
Our system is failing, rather spectacularly, and in a way and manner that even I could never have predicted. Wait, but I predicted that…
The Congressional Budget Office released July’s deficit numbers and, in the immortal words of Warren Zevon, it ‘aint that pretty at all. On top of the usual tax cuts and heavy spending, the CBO is also tracking what the president is climbing on top of. Hooker Pay Offs, Hush Money, and Prison Hits were not even spending categories prior to President Trump taking the reigns, and, if leaked images prove accurate, the Ball-Gag and Leash categories as well. Head of the CBO, Bob Excel, said, “Paying off hookers has only managed to escort our deficits all the way to the proverbial Penthouse. See what I did there? It’s kind of like an ouroboros, or a snake eating some hooker’s tail kind of thing …uh, and then the necessary billions to make the problem slither away. We’re attempting to lower costs by keeping some of these executive escort services in-house, but Ivanka is not returning our calls.”
Dayton Someone—The Discord has obtained exclusive, Photoshopped images of the president’s recent mass shooting twofer. The pictures were apparently leaked to the internet, before they were downloaded into an older and more affordable version of Photoshop where they were altered by a crazed-liberal hack. These images now depict the president in seemingly more offensive activities that …oh, who am I kidding? The stuff he actually did was way worse.
New York, NY—A spokesperson for the Metropolitan Correctional Center, Skip D. Rounds, told the Discord today— Oh, before we go there, there’s some new business I’d like to address. The New York Times posted a scathing article that claims: “Epstein’s death unleashed a torrent of unfounded conspiracy theories online.” The Daily Discord is demanding a full retraction at this hour. They must absolve today’s feature as well as yesterday’s Pulitzer-worthy coverage: AG Barr Blames Epstein’s Death Behind Bars On Epstein-Barr.
Washington, DC—The Justice Department has both opened and closed the case on the death of accused sex-trafficker and socialite, Jeffery Epstein. AG William Barr ordered the Inspector General to open the investigation into the circumstances surrounding Epstein’s suspicious death while in federal custody and then finalized the report, in what many are calling an orchestrated effort to end the Justice Department’s inquiry, roughly seventeen minutes later, to coincide with a presidential tweet on the same subject.
Queens, NY—After a heated exchange, the competency and possible criminality of president Trump’s grade school teacher is under scrutiny at this hour. When the retired 87-year-old teacher, Mrs. Magaluso, was questioned as to whether or not she received payment for allowing the current president to graduate elementary school, she clearly dodged the question by changing the subject to her family’s coveted (or covfefe) lasagna recipe. Refusing to let this old fish wriggle off the hook, The Discord’s own Alex Bone pressed Trump’s former teacher further by asking the question: “What did you know, Mrs. Magaluso, and when did you know he didn’t know it?”
Gilroy, CA—Several witnesses describe a morose, heartless throb, who both helped last week’s Garlic Festival shooter enter the park and then partied until dawn, effectively frying our coveted vampire genre *cough*. I’m being told I need to be more specific, because not one but two mass shootings have occurred while this was waiting patiently in The Discord posting queue. Fine! The California one, which occurred before the Dayton/El Paso twofer. See?! It’s not too soon, because lots of other horrible things have happened since I wrote this shit, aka put a stake through it already! This nation is toast and our vampire genre is on borrowed time!
[Undead joke dug back up, decapitated, staked through the heart and then provided with a proper Christian burial.]
The Liberals are simply not up to the task of slaying this Donald Dragon. It’s becoming increasingly apparent they don’t have the required smarts, charisma, historical knowledge, or testicular fortitude to get the job done. If the Dems are Rogue Squadron, it’s like we left the hangar doors closed with the X-wing engines running for too long. In early May I took my shot at what I felt was the best duo to save our democracy. That’s not hyperbole, folks, we are on the edge or ruin. Our state of the union is akin to that moment when Wile E. Coyote no longer has any rock, ledge, or wooden plank between himself and the canyon floor, but gravity hasn’t quite kicked in yet. My so-called “dream ticket” back in May was met with an abundance of scorn and ridicule in comment-thread land. When Politico ran with that same Biden/Harris ticket, about a week later, Kamala responded by calling such a suggestion sexist. Really? Having the ‘rebel scum’ fighting amongst themselves is just what the Empire wants. No one is nominating me for Veep, and offhand I seem a whole lot savvier than you, prosecutor. In related news, police are now permitted to use of the Vader-mind chokehold on minorities. Harris is not the only disappointment; Biden admitted he didn’t even read the Mueller report. I expect that from Republicans, who are opposed to learnin’ stuff in general, but it’s an embarrassment for a leading Democratic contender to admit as much.
[Closing the Hangar doors after the X-wings have gotten out joke removed by editor and sent on a mission to Dagobah]